I’m only 18 and I’ve been going through this for about 4 years now. I believe it all began when I first met my boyfriend. I’m not the type of girl that’s hungry for attention or boys. Hell, I never even believed in “love at first sight” but, when I first saw Isaiah it was like a light just turned on. I can remember it like it was yesterday. That feeling of “He means something to me” but I never understood why. Like I knew him from somewhere.
Long story short, we started dating. I was 14, he was 15. Everything was bliss and then life as I knew it just changed. I became so anxious about everything, looking back now, it was just ridiculous the things I would worry about. My health, my family, death. Just living itself scared me.
After a few months of nervous break downs, it progressed into depression and anger. I would lash out at my loved ones, especially my boyfriend for no apparent reason. I stopped talking to my friends and isolated myself from everyone except for Isaiah. Some days it would be so bad that I would look at myself and not understand why I was there and reality itself just didn’t seem real. Literally everyday was a struggle. I remember constantly going to my parents about it. I couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I have a good life and a loving family. I had absolutely no reason to feel the way I did.
I later found out that I have a chemical imbalance that runs in my family, and they had prescribed me an anti-depressant. After the first night of me taking it, I felt a release. Like the weight of the world had been lifted. After suffering for 2 years, I was finally happy again.
But, for the past year I feel I’m changing again. For the good at least. I don’t know how to explain it but my views of the world and life itself have just changed. I remember this past spring looking outside I was in awe at how beautiful everything was. How green the grass looked, how blue the sky was. Life became so much more precious to me. I used to be main stream. I liked to keep up with trends but now it’s like life isn’t about impressing each other or how good you look. Everything and everyone is beautiful to me now. I get this overwhelming sense of just peace and at ease with myself, even though life gets hard. (I sound crazy, I know) I’m also more grateful for the blessings that I have. I constantly ask “Why? What did I do to deserve such a good life?” and I tend not to take things for granted anymore.
I think the biggest thing that’s changed is my outlook on “what’s next”. I was never a big religious person. I’m more focused on science but, I was raised in a Catholic family. We weren’t perfect though, we would go to church maybe 3 times a year but after my experience with depression and all of that, I found God in a way no pastor or priest could preach to me. I feel that there is so much more than just this life. It’s as if I feel everything now, like a connection to everything. I now refuse religion because I find it political and it makes society fear God. I don’t believe that. If anything I feel God is there to love us. No matter what your imperfection is or what society claims your imperfection is. Gay, divorced, WHATEVER. God is there to love you for who you are.
The reason why I feel like this may be a spiritual awakening is just how I view the world now. I’m not the same anymore (don’t get me wrong, I like this me way better than the old) but I still find it logically confusing. I believe. Scratch that, I know Isaiah is my soul mate, I feel it in my bones and I feel he began this transformation in me and he’s the one who helped me through this whole journey. He’s my best friend and I couldn’t picture my life without him. I guess what I’m trying to ask (because I’m spiritual & I believe in science) would you say what I’m going through is a spiritual awakening, or is it just my condition? My gut says one thing but my head says another. But for those of you who are going through the same thing, I want you to know it does get better. Trust me, there were some days I felt I wanted to end but it takes time and there’s always tomorrow to look forward to.
Many, many blessings to all of you. And remember to just take a step back and realize how beautiful this world is around us.