A journey to a dark place and back
My name is Michael Reilly, over the past three years I have gone through a profound spiritual awakening.
Before my awakening I was very unhappy, confused, anxious and depressed. I can remember as far back as grade’s one, two and three thinking about ending my own life. When I was a baby I would cry all the time and my parents could never figure out why. I used to always tell my mom my heart hurt when I was a child.
As I grew older the anxiety and depression became worse, I felt so overwhelmed and confused all the time. I hated school it just didn’t make sense to me. I would always hide in between houses and wait for my mom to leave the house so I could sneak back home. As I was going into high school I felt extremely overwhelmed and scared.
I couldn’t handle the anxiety so instead of going to school I would walk a set of train tracks by the school, back and forth all day. It didn’t matter if it was raining, snowing or really hot, I would just walk back and forth all day.
The only thing that brought me joy at that time in my life was riding my bmx bike, but because i wasn’t going to school it got taken away from me.My life seemed hopeless. I would always beat myself up and wish I could just be “normal”.
At the age of 15 it became to much and I tried to end my own life. I had tried a few times before that but I couldn’t go through with it. I ended up in the hospital and over time saw many different doctors and was eventually diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.
The doctors told me I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and gave me Prozac. I started taking the pills and things just got worse. I began to drink alcohol when I was 16. It temporarily took away the anxiety and the looming sense of doom that always seemed to be there.
As time went on I just became more depressed and overwhelmed. I tried to end my own life again when I was 16. After this attempt it was a miracle I was alive. I had taken a whole bottle of my brother’s medication for Epilepsy.
I got out the hospital and continued down a dark path. I started doing cocaine and eventually started selling it. I wasn’t a very good drug dealer as I got in debt very quickly. This was because I was doing the drugs I was supposed to sell. I continued to use cocaine and drink because those were the only things that made me feel good and took away the anxiety temporarily.
This went on for a few more years. Until I had finally had enough of this world. Just before my nineteenth birthday I tried to end my own life again. This time I did it differently. I stayed up for two days straight drinking and using cocaine. I bought a bb gun and spray painted it black to look real.
After my two day binge, I went to a dead end near my home and called the police on myself. It was like a scene out of a movie. The swat team showed up, the dead end was lined with police cars, the lasers from there automatic weapons dotted my body. I stood there with the gun tucked in the back of my pants, ready for them to shoot me. Right as the thought of reaching for the gum entered my mind and I was about to pull it out, it flew out of the back of my pants and landed on the ground behind me.
After a while I surrendered to the police and was taken to a holding cell, then the hospital. After that I tried going to a treatment facility. I was there for one night and decided to leave, it didn’t make sense to me. They just wanted to give me more pills. At this point I was 19 and just tired of living in confusion and anxiety. I decided I was going to do my best to get clean and sober.
I began asking myself what is the meaning of life? Why are we here? My whole life when I would look up at the stars I would always get this feeling that I cant explain. I just knew there was more to life, more than go to school, get a job, work your whole life at a job you don’t like, only to retire old sick and miserable. I always had this knowing that if I could make it to my twentieth birthday somehow everything would be ok.
My awakening began after watching a movie about ancient aliens and doing research into the subject. These feelings, knowings and experiences I had my whole life began to slowly come back to me. Over the next three years, I began to heal myself and explore my spirituality. I stopped taking the medication after I discovered through my research that it is actually not good for anybody.
I slowly began to break away from old habits and friends. I began eating healthy and exercising. I started meditating everyday and praying for guidance and answers. I started to do more of what I truly love to do, exploring my creativity. I began getting out of my comfort zone because I started feeling safer and less anxious. I started feeling more gratitude and love.
Along the way many great people began to show up in my life, I started having amazing experiences and syncronicites appear in my life. I have even seen angels and starships appear in the sky, which inspired me to continue down the path of healing and awakening,
It was not easy breaking out of the darkness, learning and remembering who I am and what we truly are. There were many times when I felt like giving up. However, I began to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, I am just really sensitive. As I reconnected with my higherself and guides, I have learned the techniques to heal and protect myself.
What I thought was a curse has turned out to be my greatest gift. Now I m sharing my story with the world in hopes of being the light for those who are still in the dark. I am honing my healing gifts and abilities to help humanity and mother Earth heal and transform. I want the world to know you can heal yourself, that God is within and anything is possible.
Is This A Spiritual Awakening Or Just My Condition?
I’m only 18 and I’ve been going through this for about 4 years now. I believe it all began when I first met my boyfriend. I’m not the type of girl that’s hungry for attention or boys. Hell, I never even believed in “love at first sight” but, when I first saw Isaiah it was like a light just turned on. I can remember it like it was yesterday. That feeling of “He means something to me” but I never understood why. Like I knew him from somewhere.
Long story short, we started dating. I was 14, he was 15. Everything was bliss and then life as I knew it just changed. I became so anxious about everything, looking back now, it was just ridiculous the things I would worry about. My health, my family, death. Just living itself scared me.
After a few months of nervous break downs, it progressed into depression and anger. I would lash out at my loved ones, especially my boyfriend for no apparent reason. I stopped talking to my friends and isolated myself from everyone except for Isaiah. Some days it would be so bad that I would look at myself and not understand why I was there and reality itself just didn’t seem real. Literally everyday was a struggle. I remember constantly going to my parents about it. I couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I have a good life and a loving family. I had absolutely no reason to feel the way I did.
I later found out that I have a chemical imbalance that runs in my family, and they had prescribed me an anti-depressant. After the first night of me taking it, I felt a release. Like the weight of the world had been lifted. After suffering for 2 years, I was finally happy again.
But, for the past year I feel I’m changing again. For the good at least. I don’t know how to explain it but my views of the world and life itself have just changed. I remember this past spring looking outside I was in awe at how beautiful everything was. How green the grass looked, how blue the sky was. Life became so much more precious to me. I used to be main stream. I liked to keep up with trends but now it’s like life isn’t about impressing each other or how good you look. Everything and everyone is beautiful to me now. I get this overwhelming sense of just peace and at ease with myself, even though life gets hard. (I sound crazy, I know) I’m also more grateful for the blessings that I have. I constantly ask “Why? What did I do to deserve such a good life?” and I tend not to take things for granted anymore.
I think the biggest thing that’s changed is my outlook on “what’s next”. I was never a big religious person. I’m more focused on science but, I was raised in a Catholic family. We weren’t perfect though, we would go to church maybe 3 times a year but after my experience with depression and all of that, I found God in a way no pastor or priest could preach to me. I feel that there is so much more than just this life. It’s as if I feel everything now, like a connection to everything. I now refuse religion because I find it political and it makes society fear God. I don’t believe that. If anything I feel God is there to love us. No matter what your imperfection is or what society claims your imperfection is. Gay, divorced, WHATEVER. God is there to love you for who you are.
The reason why I feel like this may be a spiritual awakening is just how I view the world now. I’m not the same anymore (don’t get me wrong, I like this me way better than the old) but I still find it logically confusing. I believe. Scratch that, I know Isaiah is my soul mate, I feel it in my bones and I feel he began this transformation in me and he’s the one who helped me through this whole journey. He’s my best friend and I couldn’t picture my life without him. I guess what I’m trying to ask (because I’m spiritual & I believe in science) would you say what I’m going through is a spiritual awakening, or is it just my condition? My gut says one thing but my head says another. But for those of you who are going through the same thing, I want you to know it does get better. Trust me, there were some days I felt I wanted to end but it takes time and there’s always tomorrow to look forward to.
Many, many blessings to all of you. And remember to just take a step back and realize how beautiful this world is around us.
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